Why We’re All a Little Delusional – It’s Our Ego After All
How self-deception shapes our lives, relationships, and mental health
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the ego. Not in the “look at me, I’m so great” kind of way, but in the way it quietly shapes how we see ourselves and interact with the world. It’s funny how something so intangible can have such a tangible impact on our lives.
It all started when I found myself reflecting on past situations—times when I got unnecessarily pissed off or defensive because someone’s actions or words didn’t align with the image I had of myself. You know what I mean, right? That mental picture we all carry of who we are, who we want to be, and how we want others to see us. It’s like we’re all walking around with these little self-portraits in our heads, and anything that threatens to smudge them feels like a personal attack.
But here’s the thing: clinging to that image doesn’t just make us defensive—it keeps us stuck. It prevents us from growing, learning, and truly connecting with others. And honestly, it’s exhausting.
That Time My Ego Threw a Tantrum Over a Work Email
The ego is a master of self-preservation. It wants us to believe we’re consistent, rational, and in control—even when we’re not. It’s why we get so bent out of shape when someone criticizes us or behaves in a way that contradicts our values.
For example, I remember a time when a colleague gave me feedback that felt completely unfair. My first reaction? Defensiveness. I immediately started listing all the reasons they were wrong and why I was actually doing a great job. But later, when I calmed down, I realized there was some truth to what they said. My ego had just been too busy protecting my self-image to let me see it.
Sound familiar?
Why We're All Secretly Defensive Little Gremlins
One of the hardest things about being human is dealing with other humans. Especially the ones we can’t choose to avoid—like coworkers, family members, or that one neighbor who always seems to know how to push your buttons.
These relationships are like mirrors, reflecting back the parts of ourselves we’d rather not see. And when someone’s behavior doesn’t align with our values or expectations, it can feel like a personal affront. But here’s the truth: we can’t control other people. We can’t force them to live up to our standards or see things the way we do. And trying to do so only leads to frustration and conflict.
So how do we coexist with people who are fundamentally different from us? How do we collaborate, make joint decisions, and build meaningful connections without losing ourselves in the process?
Friendship Isn't as Selfless as You Think
Let’s talk about friendship for a minute. We like to think of friendship as this pure, selfless bond based on love and mutual support. But if I’m being honest, friendship is often more transactional than we’d like to admit.
I recently read The Elephant in the Brain, and it completely shifted how I think about human behavior. The book argues that much of what we do—including how we interact with friends—is driven by hidden motives. We “groom” each other (metaphorically, of course) by listening, validating, and offering support because we expect the same in return. Friendships fulfill a need, whether it’s companionship, validation, or a sense of belonging.
And you know what? That’s okay. It’s human nature. But when we refuse to acknowledge this reality, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We expect others to be selfless, even as we act in our own self-interest. And when they fall short of our expectations, we feel betrayed or disillusioned.
Newsflash: We're Probably Not That Special
One of the ego’s sneakiest traps is what I like to call the “legacy mindset”—the belief that we’re destined for greatness, that our names will be remembered, and that we’re entitled to a certain level of respect or admiration.
I’ll admit, I’ve fallen into this trap more times than I’d like to admit. I’ve caught myself thinking, I’m better than this or I deserve more than this. But the truth is, most of us won’t leave a lasting legacy. Most of us, in the grand scale of things, are not special—and realistically speaking, average at best.
And that’s okay.
Letting go of this mindset doesn’t mean giving up on ambition or purpose. It means accepting that our worth isn’t tied to how others see us or what we achieve. It means finding fulfillment in the present moment, rather than chasing some distant, idealized future.
How I’m Learning to Let Go
After years of observing my own defensive patterns, I've identified five breakthrough realizations that consistently weaken the ego's grip:
The Power of the Pause
That space between stimulus and response is where growth happens. When I notice irritation rising, I've trained myself to ask: "Is this about them, or about my own insecurities?" The answer is always illuminating.The Perfection Paradox
I've come to appreciate that my contradictions don't make me flawed - they make me human. The pursuit of consistency is often just the ego's attempt to maintain a fiction. True confidence comes from owning all your dimensions.The Control Illusion
What liberated me wasn't just accepting I can't control others, but realizing I wouldn't want to. People's autonomy is what makes relationships meaningful. My energy now goes into mastering my own responses and beyond that, what I allow to trigger me.Present-Moment Anchoring
Legacy is a distraction. When I focus on doing good work today, with these people, in this moment, the need to be "remembered" fades into irrelevance.
I often reflect on a simple truth: "In the large scheme of things, our problems are insignificant." This isn't meant to diminish our experiences, but to offer liberation - when viewed against the vast canvas of existence, our ego's preoccupations lose their urgency.
The Liberating Joy of Being a “Mess”
Letting go of the ego isn’t easy. It requires us to confront uncomfortable truths about ourselves and the world. But it’s also incredibly liberating. When we stop clinging to a fixed self-image, we open ourselves up to growth, connection, and genuine happiness.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate the value of solitude—of being alone with my thoughts, free from the need for validation or approval. But I’ve also learned that true freedom comes from embracing our humanity, flaws and all.
So the next time you feel your ego flaring up, take a deep breath. Ask yourself: Am I defending an image, or am I embracing reality? The answer might just set you free.
What about you? How do you deal with your ego? Have you found ways to let go of the need for validation or control? or even better: When did your ego last embarrass you?